Pregnancy books are great at telling first-time moms what to pack for the hospital and how to get ready for baby’s big arrival. But as a veteran mom of two, Laura Mazza knows that there’s more to think about for delivery day than what onesie you’ll dress your newborn in and packing enough socks. In a hysterical post on her Facebook page, Mum on the Run, Mazza shared how she decided to get rid of her body hair before her baby’s birth by using hair removal cream, and why the experience was more painful than pampering.
Mazza’s third baby is scheduled to be delivered via C-section. But as she nears the end of her third trimester, she explains that she found herself thinking about the fact that her lady garden would soon have visitors other than her husband, and maybe it was time to do some hedge trimming. “As my due date edges closer, I have thought about removing my own body hair so that I don’t get shaved down by a nurse in the act of a cesarean and die of embarrassment because she needs a whipper snipper to cut through the Sherwood Forest,” she wrote.
Waxing was out — OUCH — but Mazza was intrigued by the idea of hair removal cream. Even though she admits to having sensitive skin (CUE OMINOUS MUSIC), someone had told her that going the cream route lasted longer than shaving. As someone who once tried and failed to hack my legs smooth with a razor while pregnant and on bed rest in an attempt not to embarrass myself during my own delivery, I will say that the idea of letting a cream do the dirty work seems pretty genius.
To play it safe, Mazza read the instructions carefully and didn’t just jump right in. “I very wisely did a spot test on my arm by applying this rose smelling / burning ballsweat cream and waited the five minutes, wiped it off with a sponge and OH MY LORD, hair was gone,” she wrote. “Tiny black spider hair looking things all over the sponge and I was smooth as a baby’s ass. No pain, but allotta gain.”
Anyone who’s ever used any product like this knows that while it does what it promises, the rules on the back aren’t just there as handy reading material for when you’re bored and sitting on the toilet. When the bottle says to use on small areas at a time and avoid sensitive areas, it’s not kidding.
But as a busy mama, Mazza doesn’t have the luxury of taking her time, so she drenched her whole body in hair removal cream like a toddler coats a chicken nugget in ketchup. “Little bit under the arms, bit on my legs, some on my chin, little bit on the bikini line, okay a lot on the bikini line … I was ready to come out looking like Mr. Bigglesworth,” she wrote. “The packet said it was fine for the bikini line, just avoid the anus … which is fine, no one will be examining the chocolate starfish. We gewd.”
It was when she she decided to hop in the shower and make this a full spa-like experience that things started to go off the rails. “I jumped in the shower and start putting a face mask on, and some of the water splashes onto me … no biggie … ” she wrote. “However it was unbeknown to me that this water would create a river to my lower lady bits that would pave the way to THE HIGHWAY OF HELL.” I think my vagina just cringed.
Gravity did its thing, and soon Mazza went from blissful mom-to-be enjoying some “me time” to screaming pregnant woman who felt like there were fire ants attacking her crotch. “The cream obviously went where it shouldn’t have and my skin decided despite the patch test it was going to reign Satan’s fury all over my body and I began to burn,” she wrote. “It felt like someone had basted me with bleach and LAVA was erupting into my baby maker oven. Naturally I start to scream like a hyena and furiously try to wash it off.”
But Mazza had left the handy sponge that comes with the cream outside the shower, and she didn’t have a detachable shower head to blast herself clean of the demon cream. Her husband heard her screaming and came running to the “rescue.”
“Of course husband thinks I’m in labour and comes rushing in with some tongs (wanting to catch the baby?)” she writes. Tongs?!?! Did he think he was going to have to pull the baby out of her like the stuffing from a Thanksgiving turkey? To make things just a little more stressful, Mazza’s two kids joined the party, and tried to start imitating Mommy’s fancy dance moves as she was still working to rub off the cream ASAP.
Mazza eventually managed to get the cream (and her hair) off, but it left its mark behind. “I’m left with red patches everywhere on my body in a bad reaction to my sensitive skin which is chemically burnt,” she wrote. “But you know what folks? It removed all the hair … so now I’m an angry hairless chihuahua. I look like a hairless cat who has the measles. A mutant ladybug.”
Mazza’s clear on one thing — after going though this, no one can tell her that C-section moms don’t experience pain. “I guess the universe wanted me to experience the Ring of fire after all,” she joked.
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